2 posts tagged “humor”

Found this funny story, it was orignally posted by someone with ACTS 29 network.

FANTASY CHURCH is a game in which players moderate imaginary denominations based on the real-life performance of churches and pastors, and compete against one another using those churches' statistics to score points. The most recent addition to the long list of fantasy activities (fantasy baseball, fantasy football, fantasy hockey, etc.), it is surely also the most exciting and the most edifying.

So why not form a league today and become President of your very own denomination!

RULES:
Each league will be overseen by a Presbyter who will act as commissioner and will form a league of between 8 and 14 players. At the beginning of the season each league will hold a draft. The Presbyter will provide to the players a list of churches which will serve as the pool of available churches. Players will choose churches from the available pool, taking into account a wide range of factors. Each team will draft a denomination of 8 churches. Each player must draft a denomination consisting of at least 2 Baptist churches, 2 Presbyterian churches, 2 Charismatic churches, 1 non-denominational church and 1 flex church (any denomination).

Each week teams will face off against each other in head-to-head match-ups. The team that collects the greatest number of wins at the end of the season will be declared the winner.

Points will be scored as per the chart below. At the conclusion of each Sunday, the league Presbyter will be responsible for collecting statistics from each church and providing these to the players. The Presbyter will tally the points and declare a winner in each of the games.

SCORING BREAKDOWN:
1. Teaching
Sermon length:
Under 15 minutes: 2 points
15 - 29 minutes: 3 points
30 - 44 minutes: 4 points
45 - 59 minutes: 5 points
60 - 89 minutes: 6 points
over 90 minutes (and people are still present): 10 points

Number of Bible translations used in the sermon:
0: -5 points
1: 10 points
2-4: 1 point
Over 5: -10 points

Original Languages:
1 point for each word provided in the original language
1 Bonus point if pronounced correctly

Sermon was previously preached by Rick Warren or Bill Hybels: -50 points
Sermon was previously preached by John MacArthur or John Piper: -3 points
Sermon was previously preached by Charles Spurgeon: +10 points

Sermon style:
Referring to "The Message" as a translation -100 points
Actually expositing a complete verse +5
Using the verse as a proof text -5
Using the verse as a launching pad -10
Using the verse incorrectly/out of context -15
Not using Scripture at all -100
Preaching about a nursery book -30
Preaching about a song -40
Preaching about a movie -50
Every time the pastor calls Jesus "dude" or "buddy" -50 points
-50 points if the pastor is wearing a Hawaiian shirt or shorts
-25 points if the pastor is sitting down while preaching

Multi-Media:
Sermon available online as free audio download: 2 points
Sermon available as a podcast: 3 points
Sermon available as a Vodcast: 5 points
-2 points each time the PowerPoint falls behind the song or sermon

2. Handouts:
Pastor provides a basic sermon outline: 2 points
Pastor provides a fill-in-the-blanks outline: -5 points
For every bulletin left over: -2 points
For every bulletin short: -1 point
Perfect bulletin count: priceless

3. Worship
Number of songs:
Under 4 songs: 2 points
5-7 songs: 5 points
8-11 songs: 0 points
Over 12 songs: -3 points

Number of instruments used:
Zero: 5 points
One: 2 points
Two to Four: 3 points
Five to Ten: 4 points
more than 10: -5 points

Ratio of hymns to contemporary songs:
1:1 = 4 points
2:1 = 3 points
1:3 = 2 points
1:4 = 1 point
0:1 = -2 points

Other:
-5 points for each time the worship pastor moans, "Mmmmmm. Thank you, Jesus."
-3 points for every time the worship leader says, “Can we get a hand clap for Jesus?”
-2 points for each use of a song currently on the Christian top-40
-4 points for each use of a song on the mainstream top-40
+6 points for each use of a U2 song
-50 points for use of the song "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever"
-10 points for making announcements in the middle of the worship service
+25 points Offers both wine & grape juice at communion

4. Decisions/Conversions:
4 points per conversion (as marked on an official communication card, indicated by a raised hand, or confirmed during an altar call)

Recommitments:
2 points per recommitment (as marked on an official communication card, indicated by a raised hand, or confirmed during an altar call)

Baptisms:
5 points per baptism

Ratio of Offering to Attendance:
Over $50:1 = 4 points
$25:1 = 2 points
$10:1 = 1 points
Under $1:1 = - 4 points (consider contacting the police)

5. Disqualification
A team may be disqualified for the week if either the church sells “You Best Life Now” books in the lobby or the Pastor makes an emotional reference to Joel Osteen!